Cairn Hill, which we see from our windows honors those who have died. It has prayer sticks, mementos honoring loved ones, a seashell for Joe’s brother who loved the ocean, for dogs we have loved and lost, birthstones and bones. It is a very special place when a coyote comes by to eat gluten free cookies left for my father, where a mother bear takes an afternoon nap with her cub nearby. It is a sacred space.
I went to the rock shop today to find a stone to place on Cairn Hill in memory of my mother. It took me a long time. I couldn’t pretend that this wasn’t difficult, that a glorious rock or quartz wouldn’t somehow be insincere…a lie…for it has been the most painful relationship of my life. I found one…simple, earth tones, in its own way very true…something beautiful buried inside the rough exterior…
The rose quartz stones for my father and grandmother and stones for other beloveds who have died are on a lovely small rock outcropping nestling an ancient fallen log. I stood there a long time choosing where to put the stone for my mother. I looked around; I put a few peanuts in St. Francis’ little bowl as an offering. I couldn’t…I just couldn’t put her near my father or grandmother, let alone in their midst. That day may come but it isn’t today. I tucked her stone into the base of another fallen tree. And I stood and looked at it…then over at the stones for my father and grandmother. Tears rose…I couldn’t leave her so far away…so alone. I couldn’t do to her in death what she had done to me my whole life. I picked up her stone, brought it in a bit closer, surrounded it with a couple sweet moss covered rocks and placed a peanut nearby so a squirrel would be sure to stop by.
My dreams are letting me know that my mother isn’t resting in peace. She left this world as she lived in it…angry and terrifying. My dreams are also showing me that she is in the hands of Others now…and they will know how best to help heal this ragged, lost soul.
Mary Jo Heyen is a certified Natural Dreamwork Practitioner working with clients in person, phone or Skype. Learn more about her work with dreams at www.maryjoheyen.com.