“you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness…” Gotye
Many of us have a ‘certain kind of sadness,’ the uncomfortable sense that we don’t quite fit in…that we don’t belong. It shows up in our dreams all the time, moments where there is no room at the table for us, where we are at a gathering and feel unwelcome, where it seems people are ignoring us. In both in the dream and in our waking reality, we turn away, maybe angry, maybe sad, but definitely mopey with the belief that we are somehow alienated and it is others who don’t welcome us in.
One problem with this kind of sadness is that unlike true sadness it is a story we have come to believe about ourselves and so perpetuate the very thing that we don’t want…that we are those unfortunate ones that are somehow separate from others…and that it is the others who are keeping us from relationship. And then we fulfill the belief and sabotage the very thing we say we want by isolating ourselves from others, from social interactions.
But our dreams come and challenge that. These dream moments may be reflecting ways we
we ignore ourselves, our own needs and desires. If we are doing this to ourselves then of course, we assume others are doing it to us as well. Why wouldn’t they? And our dreams show us these images.
Another problem with this kind of sadness is that it is static; it doesn’t move. As much as we say we don’t want to feel left out and sad, we have to admit we’re comfortable there. At least we know this place, expecting others to fix it and so we stay in a closed loop…no way out.
But when we work with these images in our dreams we begin to get underneath this and feel sadness as the grace that it is…and something else starts to stir in us…longing. We begin feel this sadness in its truer form and the ‘not belonging’ reveals itself to be a longing…a longing to belong…a longing to be in relationship with others.
These are the tender shoots of an inner knowing that we’ve had all along…we do belong. There is a subtle but important difference here. The ‘certain kind of sadness’ that we don’t belong keeps us separate while the soul-filled sadness of longing is what moves us closer to the connection and relationship we seek.
Our dreams start to change. We may walk into a room and go right up to someone, make take a seat at the table, step into a group setting…we don’t even question what we’re doing…our desire to belong…to be in relationship flows into the act being in relationship. And then we see this reflected in our waking reality…listening to our inner desires and needs…and the tentative, scary steps towards bringing those needs into reality.
With love, Mary Jo
(Image: Longing for Love by Moezard)
Mary Jo Heyen is a Natural Dreamwork Practitioner working with clients in person, phone or Skype.
Learn more about her dreamwork at website: http://maryjoheyen.com/