Today is Mother’s Day…with Facebook photos, postings, restaurant brunch tables, flower vases and candy boxes…filled with the outpouring of love by so many for their mothers…and it’s really quite beautiful to witness…and a tender soreness for others of us.
Today was also my own dream session. With the impeccable timing that dreams have is the following dream that Rodger and I worked this morning…and the voice in me that wants to speak.
Dream – I’m at some large event, people milling around. I’m standing at a bistro height table with three teen girls, 17-19. I am much shorter, my head just clears the table top. One asks me, “So what do you have to say about the mother?” I feel pain and sadness, no desire to talk, tears rising. The others continue asking me similar questions. I don’t respond, maybe some fear but a lot of feeling. Shift – We are all now entering the large auditorium. As I walk with purpose down the aisle towards the front I look down. I am wearing a beautiful elegant red dress with one white button at the waist. Every step I take it gets looser and looser on me. I’m about to grab a fistful of material at the waist to cinch it up but then don’t.
In the dream I’m covering my pain by saying, “I have no desire to speak.” As we worked with the dream and I felt into this what emerged was, “I have always had this feeling…not that I am not able to speak about a different kind of mother than others remember, but that I shouldn’t speak of it. Yet here they are, the older girls, parts of my soul, here to encourage and to help me find my voice…to speak…from my soul…of what I have always felt shouldn’t be spoken. Feeling deeper into the moment, tears rising, “In the sea of loving their mothers, it can feel like there is no room for the voice of those of us for whom the mother was source of our pain, loss and sadness.”
This is so not about blame or shame. For those who have not experienced this loss, no words can explain it. For those of us who have…the depth of this pain and sadness is so great because the need to love and be loved by our mother is so great. It’s about the forever raw torn heart wound that we carry.
Mary Jo Heyen
Archetypal Dreamwork Practitioner
Dream sessions in person, via Skype or on the phone