What happens to us in a moment of trauma? For many of us…we shatter. Be it a deep loss, betrayal, suffering…we leave our inner home…go away from ourselves…we separate from our soul.
What keeps us separate is that in that vacuum created by the trauma something else is created. Many of us want to be people of depth and integrity, have meaningful and intimate relationships yet even as we desire to come home to ourselves we find that the mind shattered by trauma has been replaced by a mind conditioned by the trauma…the resultant mind.
My current dreams are asking me to feel into a place where I have some compulsive fear and anger, somehow believing I’m in danger. My dreams are showing me how my resultant mind tells me I have to protect myself from something bad…and the gift in my dreams is showing me how much I misunderstand what’s going on. As I’m working with this…getting underneath the fear and anger…what I’m coming to is not someone or something bad. What I’m coming to, hidden by my mind, is a deep and ancient feeling of loss…and that is very painful. My resultant mind doesn’t want me to feel that, feel anything really.
I am coming to understand that the problem is not with the mind, not even with the nature of the mind. I am coming to understand that my true mind is very clear and very connected to my heart. It is the resultant mind that wants to make sure I will never be hurt again…an impossible feat. And so it tries to run a non-stop monologue all day in my head, running interference, analyzing, judging, rationalizing, mistrusting, caretaking. That is the resultant mind and it keeps me from feeling…which keeps me from coming home to myself. For when I lose any capacity to feel…I risk losing it all. As the resultant mind is dismantled there will be no protection or barrier between me and my true mind and my true heart. And I’m pretty sure what connects the true nature of my mind and the true nature of my heart are my feelings…all my feelings…all the time. To feel my love…I need to feel my pain. To feel my joy…I need to feel my grief. To feel my connectedness…I need to feel my loss.
With love, Mary Jo
Mary Jo Heyen – Dream Practitioner
Sessions can be in person, on the phone or Skype