Dream Practice/Homework: Jump in the water with all my love for the boy, my fear of losing him and let go of the sword, let go of rescuing him and stay under the water with him.
Aversion: How often my dreams reveal a difficult feeling, pain, loss, sadness, fear and ask me to not jump away (in Buddhism it’s called aversion), to stay with it, trusting it to move through me. I am practicing this as I work with my homework in zazen (sitting meditation) and I am practicing this at any given moment throughout my day. I have come to trust when some feeling wants/needs to move through me, painful as it may be. It truly can become the cycle of a few breaths, the rising and falling of a difficult feeling. And the cycle usually repeats itself. All I’m asked to do is be open to the feeling and trust its healing wisdom.
Attachment: A few days ago I was coming downstairs in the morning, and was suddenly deep in my homework feeling of ‘all my love for the boy.’ It was delicious and thrilling; it was filling me up fast. Then I heard my still small voice, in a less than still manner, say, “This too shall pass”…and I burst out laughing. I got it. Some inner knowing sensed I was a nanosecond away from jumping away from the feeling, not to avoid it but to make it last. Rather than be in the moment, feeling this thrill of love as it moved through me I jumped away to wanting to make it last, be permanent (in Buddhism it’s called attachment). I wanted to go to, “Oh good, now I’ve arrived and will always and only feel this way.” What a set up for myself. Feelings are feelings and they arise and fall; all I’m asked to do is feel them and let them heal me.
Dream-I am on a causeway with debris filled murky water on either side. I walk up to a teenage boy, 17-18, who says, “Down the road I will have to kill you.” He shows me a sword or a knife. I nod, like I know this is part of the deal. As time goes by, feels like years, we fall deeply in love with each other. I see flash moments of us smiling, laughing, feeling love. The time has come for him to kill me and he rushes past me and quickly throws himself into the murky water and disappears. I am frantic looking for him. On the other side of the causeway I see him floating just under the surface. I jump in, crying, trying to hold his head above water, but I know he’s dead. I call to a man on the causeway to help me pull him out of the water.